New York, NY
In an announcement that has stunned the television, fashion and scientific worlds alike, Carl L. Delaney of McKeesport, Pennsylvania is reported to have watched last night's episode of Bravo's
Project Runway and claims that he still remains "attracted to women."
"I watched
Project Runway last night, and today I still am not gay," Delaney said at a hastily called press conference on the common lawn in front of his apartment building. "I still am horny for women. Women are where it's at for me," he emphasized.
"This account is simply not to be believed," countered Robert Fullbright, Professor of Anthropology and Science and Technology Studies at Brown University, "The Delaney heterosexuality announcement would appear to reverse a sociological principle as immutable as gravity," adding, "He might as well have told us that he could stop time by doing JELL-O shots. 'Project' is firmly entrenched in the genetic code of modern living as the most powerful homociser on television," he explained.
Acclaimed Sociologist, Dr. Alexander Solkowski, author of the book
Who Do you Think You Are? - You Are Who I Tell You You Are, agrees, "It presents one of mankind's most mind boggling conundrums: If you watch an episode of
Project Runway and you are not gay, then you're still gay because you watched an episode of
Project Runway."
Solkowski adds, "What Delaney is claiming - to have watched the show this Wednesday and not to have ended up gay - is beyond plausibility, frankly. 'Runway' bases itself on the premise of adulation of the fashion industry and builds with scenes of frantic designers shopping for fabric, contestants verbally bitch-slapping one another while sewing hems on garish "avant-garde" evening gowns based on pictures of flowers, and even shows female models in underwear with no sexual connotation whatsoever. If Delaney truthfully watched it last night," Solkowski says emphatically, "Then I conclude that he is gay."
The creators of
Project Runway released the following statement: "We live in and are proud to be part of an open and tolerant society. If Mr. Delaney wants to say that he is straight even after watching our show, then we must take him at his word, and we are happy to welcome him as a viewer. We only hope that he is being completely honest with his loved ones, his friends, his family and himself."
Yet Delaney says that he discussed last evening's episode on a date with a woman later on and insists that the two shared stages of physical intimacy afterward. "We talked about the show, yes. I had just found Kenley's voice to be so irritating that I had to bring it up. That throaty screech of Kenley's constant defensive whining was stuck in my head like the sirens of the fire engines when my family's house burned down when I was 6. And her designs, let's face it, she's just stuck in the 50's. Time to get with something fresh. My date agreed with me, though she said that she did like Kenley's updated spin on hip hop that she'd designed for Leanne a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't seen that episode, so I was able to brush it off and make my move to second base."
There were, however, a few shaky moments. "I will admit that I was a little nervous at first, especially when Heidi Klum strutted on stage to threaten the designers," Delaney said, "I used to think she was really hot, but now she's kind of harsh, kind of mannish."
"This is exactly how the conversion always begins," explains Professor Fullbright, "Heterosexual men question their attraction to Heidi Klum. Then the winning and losing models from the previous week come out, but they are in unflattering black mini-dresses, have no make up on, and there is a noticeable absence of flesh on their bones. So within the first five minutes, the straight male viewer has been introduced to the drama of the episode, which may initially intrigue him, but has also slowly been waned from finding women attractive. Then Tim Gunn comes in. He is smart and dapper, friendly, yet stern and principled, all wrapped up in a fine looking, well dressed gentlemen with sympathy and a sense of humor. You can imagine having a beer with him, albeit a very expensive, imported one probably with a lemon wedge and a sprinkle of cinnamon which he wouldn't finish, but you can imagine it. And alcohol, even in imagined scenarios, leads to loosened inhibitions."
"Once a heterosexual male is through that door, there's no turning back. The presentation of the 'challenge' and the petty consternation between the contestants fire a male veiwer's internal 'Sports Response' in that his subconscious mind immediately choses a favorite, and then he'll endure nearly anything to see it through to the end - even the fanciful sketching, the discussions about 'Did someone steal my tool fabric?', the whining about other designers' whining, arguments over mirror space at the apartment or 'Who rethreaded my sewing machine?!!?'. It's extraordinary. But without fail, after 44 minutes, that male veiwer is gay. By the time he is agreeing with Michael Kors that Jerrel Scott's designs are too gaudily ornamented and that his hemlines are just not finished-looking enough for Bryant Park, the transformation is undoubtedly complete. Any sexual encounters with a female at that point would be for 'bearding' purposes only."
Yet Delaney continues to insist that he is not gay. "I like Leanne Marshall. I find her little buck tooth smile and sort of muppet faced innocence adorable, and her designs are first rate. When her eyes tear up from the stress, the exhaustion, the fear and the insatiable desire to be the best, I just want to hug her all night long. Plus, she really has a way with constructing pleats with a whole new, fresh perspective that could set the fashion world on fire. You girl, Leanne!"
