Kelly Ripa Officially Reclassified as Exoskeleton Arthropod

Highlighting a significant leap in the timeline of evolution, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt announced today that TV host, actress and former piece-of-ass, Kelly Ripa has been officially reclassified as an Exoskeleton Arthropod. "Frankly, we're amazed at not just her ability to metamorphose from one species to another, but at the incredible speed with which she was able to do it. Kafka would be proud."


Above, Ripa impersonates a horizontal stripe.

Ripa, insiders say, became disenchanted with her work-a-day Homo Sapien status shortly after having her third child. "She'd reached the top of the human food chain, you know? Wife, mother, TV star, commercial spokesperson with the wealth of kings and more popularity than a video of a kitten playing a banjo. Why not shake things up a bit?"

And shake things up she did. Shifting to a diet primarily consisting of teasing Regis Philbin's dusty dice every day for breakfast, Ripa showed the uncanny ability to reduce her body fat percentage to .004%, malnourishing her skin to the point of translucency and then finally ultimate defeat. "Everyone knew she hated having the baby weight," says Ripa's Personal Assistant's former Personal Assistant, "But her big obsession became having skin at all. 'Just layer upon layer of it,' she'd say, 'All the upkeep and the spray tanning. Who needs it?'"

This change in species hasn't affected her status as spokesperson with Ryka Footwear, even though her feet no longer need exterior protection. "She doesn't mind at all wearing the shoes during the photo shoots for the website, and we're very appreciative," said a beaming Linda Forsythe, artistic director for Ryka. "And she makes the shoes look very sturdy under those wonderfully frail tibia and tarsus bones." Rumors have circulated that Ripa may soon be designing a line of fitness clothing for Ryka, as well. "We cannot confirm or deny that at this time," says Forsythe, "But if a line of negative-sized fitness wear does comes out, I can assure you that Ryka's will be the first and the tiniest."


Kelly Ripa holds the contents of her latest meal.

Electrolux Kitchen Appliances have no plans to bury their newly-minted, prized skeleton either. "Why should we? Our agreement is to never show food and Ms. Ripa in the same frame," explains Milton Frostberger, Electrolux Director of Merchandising, "And certainly we'd never ask her to touch anything edible. It's not a difficult workaround. Besides, our ovens are so prohibitively expensive that most people who purchase them haven't cooked for themselves for 20 years, and they're not about to start any time soon."

Not everyone is so excited about Ripa's transformation. Some "Live with Regis and Kelly" audience members were less than impressed. "If I was her, I'd have made myself into a sloth," said Carl Wallace of East Brunswick. "She's a fake with all that perky bullshit!" added Shiela Mars, an admitted Kathy Lee Gifford fanatic, "I have roaches on my shower floor that are happier than her."

Still, hubby-hunk Mark Consuelos sees no downside to his wife's boney countenance. "I couldn't be more proud of Kelly. I call her look 'insectious,' and we laugh... And we're very careful that the word 'chubby' only refers to one thing in our household, if you know what I mean," adding confidently, "I think that proves that I'm heterosexual, don't you?"


Two undernourished legs can add up to the size of one healthy one, so what's the diff?


In her favorite parlor trick, Ripa disappears as a spine amongst books she hasn't read.

What does the future hold for society's newest segmented invertebrate? "Well, if she needs to molt, they'd need to be sure to time it just right between projects," explains celebrity stylist Rex Masculio, "But she's simply an unstoppable force of popularity no matter what the form. Who knows? You wants 'firsts,' America? I wouldn't be surprised if Barack Obama considers her for V.P. - a gorgeous African-American and a gorgeous Exoskeleton Arthropod. That ticket would be amazing."

Richard Lucas, reporting for the hell of it.