Saturday, January 20, 2007

• The Sun Also Rises... No It Doesn't


I don’t get philosophical when I’m in pain. I get pissed and then depressed. I’ve learned that I am neither a lover nor a fighter. I just bitch and moan until those around me can’t stand it anymore, and then I bitch and moan to myself. This year’s season for the Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8) has left me in a most wretched state of helpless confusion mixed with the kind of blind fury which I fear can only be ended by driving my motorcycle straight into the front end of an oncoming Chrysler New Yorker. If only I were dumb enough to ride a motorcycle. This isn’t just about loss in the sports/lack-of-victories sense. It’s about abandonment. Last summer, when Ben got in his accident just months after winning the Superbowl, I thought that everything that I knew and loved had been taken away. We Steeler fans had to love through several weeks of “Thank God he’s alive” all the while facing the realization that we may need to take giant steps backwards in the Quarterback arena. And backwards is a scary thing for Steeler fans. After Terry Bradsaw, we had suffered through decades of sub-par QB’ who couldn’t close the deal even when they were witting on top of some of the best defenses in the NFL. Hello - Kordell Stewart anybody? Tommy Maddox? Tommy’s the guy who said, “The football is funny - it’s round, but it’s pointy too.” Is that Steeler talk? (Actually he never said that. I only say that every time I see his face on TV because his high pitched voice, his lack of chin structure and his propensity to throw interceptions turned me into an angry, bitter man.) After Ben’s accident. I wondered why I ever had faith in anything. All is fleeting. No one stays. No love lasts. Like George in “Of Mice and Men,” everything that I adore just dies in my hands or shoots me in the back of the head while telling me that The Steelers can win Superbowls - “They can?” “Yes, Richard… They can…” Bam!! Bam!! (For those who think I should be happy that The Steelers at least won in 2006 - you’re nuts! Let’s see how much you want to see your team lose just because they may have won a previous championship. You want your team to win every game, always, and all other teams in the league to lose every game, every week. I don’t see any Patri-rots fans apologizing because they’re in the AFC championship game AGAIN.)

But I was talking about abandonment and how it bookended this season for Pittsburgh. First Ben, then Bill Cowher. In this age of professional sports, teams trading players too much and too quickly has killed the spirits of the fans. Fans now drown in cynicism looking for trades or replacements as soon as a ball is dropped or a pass is underthrown. There’s no such thing as loyalty anymore. Nowhere but in Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh still prides itself on building from the draft, not from trades, and we have enjoyed just two coaches for the last 38 years. A few years ago, when the Steelers were in a 6-8 season, The Rooneys announced that Bill Cowher would have the position there for life is he wanted it. That’s uncanny loyalty, and it paid off with a great record and an eventual Superbowl victory. Chuck Noll and Bill Cowher have been all that I’ve know for my life as a Steeler fan. And loyalty has been rewarded. We’ve not had to endure the coaching controversies, the merry-go-round of the Bill Parcells and the Tom Coughlins and all the other coaches who can’t maintain any working relationship with anybody for more than three seasons. Nick Saban, of course, has now made it even worse. No one trusts anybody and no one’s word is worth anything. Well, Coach Cowher did put the team on notice when he didn’t sign an extension before the season. And then we all saw it in his eyes during the year. Everything that we loved about Coach Cowher (and that detractors hated) his fire, his frustration, his chin - they were all gone. Somehow, someone had gotten into his head and gotten him to change - to quit on the game. Then he left the Steelers. Watching him in his press conference (with his needing to “spend more time with his family” crap) in that mutli-colred sweater made it even harder to see him go. Horrible fashion like that is part of the Pittsburgh tradition. He’s not going to get away with sweaters like that anywhere else. But the family stuff? None of us buy it. Not that he doesn’t miss his family and have regrets about how much time football has taken from his family life thus far - but come next year when he’s being offered $8 million plus to coach somewhere else, he’ll be able to buy family time at a great rate and put it in a tidy little IRA somewhere.

Those of us working dogs will never fully understand. None of us will have the opportunity to consider retiring at 49 years old. To pass up a multi-million dollar job in an organization (and fan-base) that loves him. In the end, I hope it is worth it for Coach Cowher because the NFL he’s going to re-enter in 2008 is a very different generation which wields a mighty sword and doesn’t tolerate losing. “Building a team” is given one year, not three or four, and quarterback controversies are a common as Eli Manning’s sad face.

And now this weekend, I have to watch The Colts against The Patri-rots in the AFC a self-congratulatroy malaise after wining his first Superbowl. Now he could be looking at number 4 in 6 years because of it. It leaves me with nothing but burning pain in my chest and tears if stinging black and gold on my cheek.

I suppose tat this illustrates the transitory nature of life events and situations - even in Pittsburgh

The Buddha himself said once: -
When faced with all the ups and downs of life,
Still the mind remains unshaken,
Not lamenting, not generating defilements, always feeling secure,
This is the greatest happiness.

Buddha didn’t have the Sunday ticket.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

• Keith Urban is a Drowning Man

Keith Bourbon won a CMA for Male Vocalist of the Year the other night, but he wasn’t there to accept it because he was in rehab. Lucky him. The show was more boring than watching Kelly Ripa’s spray on tan dry. Okay, I’m lying there. I’d give my left arm to watch that. How about more mind numbing than listening to Kelly Ripa speak. The CMA’s, okay - I didn’t watch it. But I know it was terrible based on the assumption that 1) all awards shows fill me with that embarrassed self-loathing reminder that I gave any of these people any of my time or money throughout the year, and that now they have misinterpreted that into thinking they are better than me and/or the rest of us hard working schlubs - so much so that they think that we want to watch them award one and other and self-congratulate like a sex-addict in a dressing room at the Hustler Store, and 2) modern country music has become the most predictable, repetitive, oversimplified and commercialized bastardization of an art form put out by soulless pretty people since Ramona the Elephant’s zookeeper started selling the abstract art she’d painted with her trunk.

But the focus the day after this year’s CMA’s was all about Keith Bourban. **(I must digress to acknowledge that some attention went to Faith Hill for her caught-on-camera angry howl upon losing one award (she has won 3 CMA’s and 3 Grammy’s already by the way) was clipped and posted on YouTube, but I actually saw that as the one honest and non-hypocritically plastic moments of live TV that anyone has seen in a long time. I’m sure her personal assistant sees that howling, angry face much more often than the one that graces her dozen or so magazine covers each year. She should be upset for having been nominated for something and not having won. What would we do without Faith Hill? How on earth will she make it now?)** But Keith Bourbon wasn’t able to attend the show and accept his second Male Vocalist of the Year CMA because he was in rehab. A rehab so vital and urgent that it sadly had to be timed exactly with the voting period preceding the CMA’s. In a statement in an article given to Best Life magazine just before entering rehab, Bourbon said that he felt like he was “lost at sea… like a drowning man.” Drowning? Drowning in what? - Success? Recognition? Money? Gold Records? CMA’s? Clichés?… I don’t care what his childhood may have been like or what demons tickle his attention bone. Simply put, he should be finding happiness in his money, his houses, his personal staff, his cars and his clothes. You want to be depressed? First, try to sense what’s it like not getting everything what you want out of life and then having to turn to the Pittsburgh Steelers to squeeze any joy out of a miserable and painfully disappointing existence. And then they go 2-6 on you!!

Even without any CMA’s, Keith Bourbon is probably the second best looking man in America - first when Brad Pitt is out-of-country carrying orphans through airports. And he’s married to Nicole Kidman. That on one hand may be among the highest accomplishments achievable by a dude - or more likely… perhaps he should openly admit that he drinks and does line after line of cocaine to escape the crushing misery of having married a neurotic, animatronic, narcissistic, crazy-eyed, ghost-like, frigid, ice queen, still-obsessed-with-Tom-Cruise woman who has probably put the clamp on his having any good times at all. Why would I automatically blame the woman? I’ve seen it too many times, my friends, good times deemed ‘dangerous.’ A guy being happy deemed a threat. This is not misogyny, it’s women misunderstanding guys. It’s marriage.

Or maybe if he didn’t say on his website about his latest album, “Of Love, Pain & the Whole Crazy Thing”: “It’s just an accurate reflection of where I am now. I think it’s the sound of being happy with my life and passionate about the music that I’m making… When the title came to me, it was obvious – it seemed to fit.” (Was that before he got married?) He’s not in rehab for happiness and passion, is he? Yet in the Best Life article, he’s trying to give us plebeians some good advice: “start communicating with the people around you.” I say start hiding things from them, Keith.

Or maybe I’d have more sympathy for Bourbon if he didn’t refer to himself on his website as “a global musical force.” Next step: inter-galactic musical act-of-God.

He also adds about his new (undoubtedly just one of his) house(s), “I found this house in Nashville that had a great room in the front of it, with windows all around and amazing views, here I could set up my studio. It was supposed to be the dining room, but I sacrificed that for the music.” Can you imagine having sacrificed his dining room for his music studio? Can you imagine sacrificing your own dining room for anything but dining? Why does God bless only such geniuses with that kind of vision and leave the rest of us wallowing? But then, where on earth can he and Nicole possibly entertain guests then? It’s mind-boggling. Of all the mistakes I’ve made in my life, now I look at the dining room that I don’t have in the house I can’t afford and I realize that I never hypothetically converted it to a studio or anything useful. I’m drowning.

That’s it. I’m starting a new club in Hollywood, and I’m going to call it REHAB. Then I’ll get headlines too every time Keith Urban or Lindsay Lohan comes in and gets drunk at REHAB. Maybe I can get in on this eternal and never failing PR machine (see ‘Sucker Free Countdown’).