Friday, July 25, 2008

Project Runway: With Remnants of Nonsense



Hopeful Project Runway contestant, Jerell Scott, stopped the rotation of the Earth and smashed all physical matter together to reverse the evolution of all life forms on Wednesday when he was shown on the program's second episode of Season Five commenting about what material his chosen model might bring back from uncut urban cloth house-of-worship, Mood. Always ready to shock their perpetually astounded contestants, the trim and dapper Tim Gunn announced that "For the first time in history" the models would be shopping for and choosing the materials for the upcoming project.

Needless to say the designers, now rendered as helpless as airline pilots with no pre-flight drinks, bemoaned the decision in a momentous storm of self-doubt and negative projection as if Jesus asking, "How am I supposed to make wine from this stuff?"

Naturally the last thing a presumably human model could be capable of doing would be shopping, right? How could the producers come up with such a nefarious limitation? How could professional models possibly know anything about shopping or fashion or materials or clothing (which is going to be designed especially for them on their instruction)? This would surely be as impossible as putting men on the moon and them playing golf really well.

Then in his crisis moment, designer Jerell Scott shook the world when he offered this frightfully insightful quip: "My biggest fear is that she's going to come back with remnants of nonsense."

That's when time stood still and all polarities reversed. It was when reality became fantasy and fantasy became reality, and my own deeply personal moment of crisis began. "Remnants of nonsense??", I asked to the dead air of my lightless living space. "What am I doing here?... Remnants of nonsense?... What is this show but remnants of nonsense? Any of these shows? And most of anything on Bravo or almost all of TV for that matter?"

Almost any current television producer in town (barring those from "Rock of Love") at any given moment could be saying of his/her editors, "My biggest fear is that they are going to come back with remnants of nonsense!" But they will! They will! Have you seen Big Brother? ...Tori and Dean/Home Sweet Hollywood? ...Adam Sandberg...

The question is: do we continue the embrace?

I don't know what nonsense is any more because I've given creed to it lo these years, and I have indeed forced it into making sense in my lonely world. But Scott, tonight, is calling me out. He has invited me to an awakening. He is speaking to me through the TV and challenging me. Remnants of nonsense?... Will I continue to be part of this cycle? Nonsense within nonsense? Do I need these remnants of nonsense in my life? Or at least this many? Should I be putting time into nonsense and or its remnants at all?

How much of my life am I giving away to them? And for Pete's sake already, how am I supposed to make wine out of this stuff? I think it's water here.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Kelly Ripa Officially Reclassified as Exoskeleton Arthropod

Highlighting a significant leap in the timeline of evolution, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt announced today that TV host, actress and former piece-of-ass, Kelly Ripa has been officially reclassified as an Exoskeleton Arthropod. "Frankly, we're amazed at not just her ability to metamorphose from one species to another, but at the incredible speed with which she was able to do it. Kafka would be proud."


Above, Ripa impersonates a horizontal stripe.

Ripa, insiders say, became disenchanted with her work-a-day Homo Sapien status shortly after having her third child. "She'd reached the top of the human food chain, you know? Wife, mother, TV star, commercial spokesperson with the wealth of kings and more popularity than a video of a kitten playing a banjo. Why not shake things up a bit?"

And shake things up she did. Shifting to a diet primarily consisting of teasing Regis Philbin's dusty dice every day for breakfast, Ripa showed the uncanny ability to reduce her body fat percentage to .004%, malnourishing her skin to the point of translucency and then finally ultimate defeat. "Everyone knew she hated having the baby weight," says Ripa's Personal Assistant's former Personal Assistant, "But her big obsession became having skin at all. 'Just layer upon layer of it,' she'd say, 'All the upkeep and the spray tanning. Who needs it?'"

This change in species hasn't affected her status as spokesperson with Ryka Footwear, even though her feet no longer need exterior protection. "She doesn't mind at all wearing the shoes during the photo shoots for the website, and we're very appreciative," said a beaming Linda Forsythe, artistic director for Ryka. "And she makes the shoes look very sturdy under those wonderfully frail tibia and tarsus bones." Rumors have circulated that Ripa may soon be designing a line of fitness clothing for Ryka, as well. "We cannot confirm or deny that at this time," says Forsythe, "But if a line of negative-sized fitness wear does comes out, I can assure you that Ryka's will be the first and the tiniest."


Kelly Ripa holds the contents of her latest meal.

Electrolux Kitchen Appliances have no plans to bury their newly-minted, prized skeleton either. "Why should we? Our agreement is to never show food and Ms. Ripa in the same frame," explains Milton Frostberger, Electrolux Director of Merchandising, "And certainly we'd never ask her to touch anything edible. It's not a difficult workaround. Besides, our ovens are so prohibitively expensive that most people who purchase them haven't cooked for themselves for 20 years, and they're not about to start any time soon."

Not everyone is so excited about Ripa's transformation. Some "Live with Regis and Kelly" audience members were less than impressed. "If I was her, I'd have made myself into a sloth," said Carl Wallace of East Brunswick. "She's a fake with all that perky bullshit!" added Shiela Mars, an admitted Kathy Lee Gifford fanatic, "I have roaches on my shower floor that are happier than her."

Still, hubby-hunk Mark Consuelos sees no downside to his wife's boney countenance. "I couldn't be more proud of Kelly. I call her look 'insectious,' and we laugh... And we're very careful that the word 'chubby' only refers to one thing in our household, if you know what I mean," adding confidently, "I think that proves that I'm heterosexual, don't you?"


Two undernourished legs can add up to the size of one healthy one, so what's the diff?


In her favorite parlor trick, Ripa disappears as a spine amongst books she hasn't read.

What does the future hold for society's newest segmented invertebrate? "Well, if she needs to molt, they'd need to be sure to time it just right between projects," explains celebrity stylist Rex Masculio, "But she's simply an unstoppable force of popularity no matter what the form. Who knows? You wants 'firsts,' America? I wouldn't be surprised if Barack Obama considers her for V.P. - a gorgeous African-American and a gorgeous Exoskeleton Arthropod. That ticket would be amazing."

Richard Lucas, reporting for the hell of it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Dark Knight.... Al Franken anybody?


Yes - I'm special, and here's why: "The Dark Knight" is opening tomorrow, and I saw it already. That's right! I'm a lot more special than any of you ever imagined.

How special am I? I was at a "special screening" of "The Dark Knight" two weeks ago. Yes, that makes me very special. It was only the second screening of the film anywhere in the world, and I was there. Why was I there? Pretty lame, in truth.... The Screen Actors Guild randomly selected me as a nominating member for the SAG Awards committee. I think there are actually hundreds of people in the "committee" which never seems to meet or even "lunch." None of my committee colleagues ever calls. We don't bowl together or play softball. We don't sit at a giant semi-circular table in large, cushy leather chairs and discuss anything. Nothing. In fact, considering the paltry number of auditions that I get per year (I call it A.D.D. - "Audition Deficit Disorder"), my SAG membership itself thus far has amounted to little more than a very, very expensive magazine subscription.

Certainly now, however, my acting career is all working as I get to see a handful of movies this season for free. What more could I possibly want?

But I digress - after all this is about the film "The Dark Knight," not Richard Lucas - The Dark Knight.

Many of you good friends will soon see the movie. Heath Ledger, you will see, put up a great performance as The Joker. But I couldn't help but be distracted by the exaggerated voice he uses. It sounds like a spot-on impersonation of Al Franken. Exact same deep, deep resonance but high nasally projection. And the timing, too. Basically it's an Al Franken in real bad need of a glass of water - a brilliant choice. It's a great voice. But sadly, I'll never get to find out if this is what Ledger was doing, nor how he came up with that choice.


After the screening, there was a Q&A. Christopher Nolan was there, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart and Maggie Gyllenhaal as well. My friend, Reuben, who accompanied me there (see, if you were nicer to me, it might have been you) asked a great question about the special effects, and yet, all I could do during the Q&A was try to figure out a way that I could ask any member of the panel if Heath Ledger was doing an Al Franken voice without sounding like a wise-ass. (As a side note, I haven't figured out a way to do very much without sounding like a wise-ass.) Unfortunately because of this tormented self-consciousness, I never quite formulated the question reasonably in my mind, nor did I hear most of the Q's and few of the A's, so I am as in-the-dark now as I was before.

When I brought Al Franken's voice up later, Reuben thought I was crazy. Some friend... Silently, so as not to cause use a big ruckus about it, I assured myself: "Reuben obviously doesn't know who Al Franken is, and he's got a tin ear for inflection - that's for damn sure." Surely now he will say that he does know Franken, but I assure you my friends, he doesn't because if he did, he would have been hearing just what I was hearing. It's his sanity or mine.

My question is - is anyone with me on the voice thing? All you brilliant actors out there? Radio listeners / Fans of Franken? Minnesotans? Classic SNL fans?

Just one bit of agreement in this world and I'd be forever satisfied.