Historic Bipartisan Effort Gives U.S. Economy Much Needed Crushing Blow

Washington, D.C.
The U.S. House of Representatives this week pulled together to complete days of unprecedented emergency sessions to achieve the once unattainable goal of absolutely no result whatsoever.

"Just when all of America needed us to come together and find common ground, we did it - and under tremendous pressure I might add - within the context of our own hatred for one another's basic political beliefs and associations," said chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, Barney Frank (D-MA). "That's the progress of the 21st Century that the voters sent us here to achieve."

As the world watched and Wall Street had is biggest single-day numerical drop in history putting the financial markets on the brink of a Depression-Era style disaster, the political animus of Washington hit its zenith over a bill which some representatives referred to as a "Rescue Plan." "Rescue, sure..." commented Rep. John Boehner (R-OH), "I haven't gotten this kind of press since we had Bill Clinton's nuts in a vice. This has been our greatest chance to let the country fall into ruin and blame the other side since we dreamed up the term "Stagfaltion" in the 70's."

"I am tremendously proud of the inaction that we've taken this week." said Rep. John Tierney (D-MA), "They call it a 'Bailout,' so I call it a 'Loan.' If they'd called it a 'Loan,' I would have stood up for the American people and denounced it as a 'Bailout for the Fat Cats.' I always add in 'Fat Cats.' You see, people just don't like fat cats, not even the actual overweight cats on YouTube."

"The important thing is that this week nothing got done," said House Republican Whip Roy Blunt (R-MO). "We clearly assured our own political existence through unadulterated intolerance of one another's core convictions. This latest economic strife was a great opportunity for both sides to ignore the other's recommendations at a time when the voting public could finally see us not listening to one another. We don't help them. They don't help us. We're all in this thing together."

"I didn't even read the bill," explained Rep. Jeff Flake (R-AZ), "I just waited to see what the Democrats wanted to do, then I stepped 'across the aisle' to despise it. That's what I was elected to do."

Polls show the voting public to be wholeheartedly satisfied with the work not being done. "Progress makes me suspicious. If politicians agree on something, then someone's not doing their homework," said California voter Constance Kindall.

Minnesotan, Joel Donnelly, says that he finds comfort in the clarity of total polarization, "How am I supposed to know who not to vote for if I don't know who to hate?"

Marking the unanimity that such failure to act has brought to Washington, House Democratic Leader, Nancy Pelosi, recommended the minting of a commemorative 2¢ "The Greater Depression" coin emblazoned with 2008 GOP presidential candidate John McCain's slogan: "We'll just have to agree to disagree." "We're hoping that the homeless of this newer, fresher depression era will pick up on it and sing "Buddy, Can You Spare Five Two-Pennies?" she stated, adding, "That would be so cute."

"Even though it will never exist, a coin like this can go a long way to help pretend that something actually happened here, something which led to nothing. I think we can all agree on that," Pelosi concluded.

Ushering in a vote that would kill a bill attempting to solve the emergent banking crisis, Pelosi stated that "For too long this government, for eight years, has followed a right wing ideology of anything goes, no supervision, no discipline, no regulation," motivating just the right kind of bitterness that could strangle the cooperative nature of a Peace Corps volunteer.

In an inspired example of unified rancor, Rep. Eric Cantor, (R-VA) took the political layup: "Right here is the reason I believe why this vote failed, and this is Speaker Pelosi's speech that, frankly, struck the tone of bi-partisan mutual destruction that, frankly, enabled me to vote against her on the bill and use her words to whine about it at a press conference afterwards. Then the Democrats complained about us some more, and so on and so forth. Everybody gets reelected. Everybody's happy."

Commenting on the dynamic lack of progress on the financial market disaster, Senator Chris Dodd, chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, added, "I suppose this economic crisis could end up righting itself on Wall St. on its own, but back in Washington, we'd still have Iraq. Thank goodness for that."