Fannie Mae Pregnant. Freddie Mac Denies Relationship.

Washington, D.C.
No longer able to deny the conspicuous "baby bump" which has caused swirling speculation throughout the banking community, a visibly perturbed Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced this morning that Fannie Mae is indeed "expecting," and is due to give birth in early 2009.

"We were, of course, stunned when Fannie told us this news," Pelosi said, "We've spent so much time recently, late nights and weekends, at the office negotiating for her Bailout/Rescue Plan that we lost sight of what Fannie was doing with her personal time," adding, "We thought she was in her room working on her term paper on Zelda Fitzgerald."

"This is not what we would have wanted for her right now with her $800 billion of assets on the brink of evaporating," Press Secretary Dana Perino stated during this morning's daily briefing at the White House. "President Bush has spoken with her, and though he is a little disappointed in her personal behavior, he supports her decision and is moving forward."

There is tremendous speculation within beltway circles that Fannie Mae has fallen victim to parental neglect as the extended fighting and public bickering of the past two years between Pelosi and Bush has led them to distraction. "They shouldn't be airing their dirty laundry in public every day the way they do," said University of Maryland Clinical Psychologist, Belinda Swanson, "Clearly Fannie's behavior has been affected."

Commenting while on the campaign trail at Jefferson High School in Herndon Virginia, Vice Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, told the crowd, "President Bush taught Fannie Mae that 'A' was for abstinence. He should have also taught her what 'B' was for."

GOP presidential candidate, John McCain, responded quickly: "We don't know what was taught in those private moments to Fannie Mae or to Freddie Mac. It is their business and should be left at that along with their ethically questionable predatory lending practices. And by the way, Senator Biden never clarified what 'B' is for. And furthermore, Senator, what is 'C' for? And 'D'? And why would Senator Obama want teach those things to a financial institution in our public schools at ages as young as pre-school?"

Asked if Fannie Mae will still be able to provide liquidity to mortgage originators with the added responsibilities of motherhood, Perino said, "We're hoping that she has help with that at home."

Conspicuously unavailable for comment were representatives of government sponsored mortagage-backed securities seller, Freddie Mac. "Freddie Mac never touched that stuff," representatives said in a released statement. Mac, who recently pledged the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at George Washington University though his reported SAT score of 840 falls well below admissions requirements, had apparently fled the comfort of his suburban Washington condo and was said to be in Southern California mastering tracks on his first hip hop album "Bailout Failout, Bitches", they said, "It's the Freddie Mac Yack Attack droppin' in time for Xmas stocking stuffa's, y'all."

Mae and Mac have been known to date off and on over the past several years. The two seemed happy when photographed together at Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's surprise birthday party at Shakey's Pizza in Old Downtown last year, though at times the pair have also been seen at the Georgetown Starbucks arguing over whether they should order Caffé Vanilla Frappuccinos or Cinnamon Dulce.

"I saw them making out under the bleachers at our opening game," said Christina Newmont, a junior and fellow cheerleader with Mae at The Sidwell Friends School. "It was really so rude because we lost to Landon, and it was like they didn't even care. It was gross."

As a result of the recently passed Senate rescue bill, Fannie Mae was scheduled to appear before the House Financial Services Committee later this week, but it has been announced that all upcoming public appearances have been cancelled.

When asked if he, as chairman of that committee, bore any responsibility for oversight of Fannie Mae's behavior, Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank stated, "No, and it's none of my business nor yours. Even though you, the taxpayers, are being told to write a check for $750,000,000,000 to buy up the bad mortgages and fragile assets of both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, we ask at this time that you respect their privacy and let everyone move on with their private lives."