Man Watches Episode of Project Runway, Still Attracted to Women

New York, NY
In an announcement that has stunned the television, fashion and scientific worlds alike, Carl L. Delaney of McKeesport, Pennsylvania is reported to have watched last night's episode of Bravo's Project Runway and claims that he still remains "attracted to women."

"I watched Project Runway last night, and today I still am not gay," Delaney said at a hastily called press conference on the common lawn in front of his apartment building. "I still am horny for women. Women are where it's at for me," he emphasized.

"This account is simply not to be believed," countered Robert Fullbright, Professor of Anthropology and Science and Technology Studies at Brown University, "The Delaney heterosexuality announcement would appear to reverse a sociological principle as immutable as gravity," adding, "He might as well have told us that he could stop time by doing JELL-O shots. 'Project' is firmly entrenched in the genetic code of modern living as the most powerful homociser on television," he explained.

Acclaimed Sociologist, Dr. Alexander Solkowski, author of the book Who Do you Think You Are? - You Are Who I Tell You You Are, agrees, "It presents one of mankind's most mind boggling conundrums: If you watch an episode of Project Runway and you are not gay, then you're still gay because you watched an episode of Project Runway."

Solkowski adds, "What Delaney is claiming - to have watched the show this Wednesday and not to have ended up gay - is beyond plausibility, frankly. 'Runway' bases itself on the premise of adulation of the fashion industry and builds with scenes of frantic designers shopping for fabric, contestants verbally bitch-slapping one another while sewing hems on garish "avant-garde" evening gowns based on pictures of flowers, and even shows female models in underwear with no sexual connotation whatsoever. If Delaney truthfully watched it last night," Solkowski says emphatically, "Then I conclude that he is gay."

The creators of Project Runway released the following statement: "We live in and are proud to be part of an open and tolerant society. If Mr. Delaney wants to say that he is straight even after watching our show, then we must take him at his word, and we are happy to welcome him as a viewer. We only hope that he is being completely honest with his loved ones, his friends, his family and himself."

Yet Delaney says that he discussed last evening's episode on a date with a woman later on and insists that the two shared stages of physical intimacy afterward. "We talked about the show, yes. I had just found Kenley's voice to be so irritating that I had to bring it up. That throaty screech of Kenley's constant defensive whining was stuck in my head like the sirens of the fire engines when my family's house burned down when I was 6. And her designs, let's face it, she's just stuck in the 50's. Time to get with something fresh. My date agreed with me, though she said that she did like Kenley's updated spin on hip hop that she'd designed for Leanne a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't seen that episode, so I was able to brush it off and make my move to second base."

There were, however, a few shaky moments. "I will admit that I was a little nervous at first, especially when Heidi Klum strutted on stage to threaten the designers," Delaney said, "I used to think she was really hot, but now she's kind of harsh, kind of mannish."

"This is exactly how the conversion always begins," explains Professor Fullbright, "Heterosexual men question their attraction to Heidi Klum. Then the winning and losing models from the previous week come out, but they are in unflattering black mini-dresses, have no make up on, and there is a noticeable absence of flesh on their bones. So within the first five minutes, the straight male viewer has been introduced to the drama of the episode, which may initially intrigue him, but has also slowly been waned from finding women attractive. Then Tim Gunn comes in. He is smart and dapper, friendly, yet stern and principled, all wrapped up in a fine looking, well dressed gentlemen with sympathy and a sense of humor. You can imagine having a beer with him, albeit a very expensive, imported one probably with a lemon wedge and a sprinkle of cinnamon which he wouldn't finish, but you can imagine it. And alcohol, even in imagined scenarios, leads to loosened inhibitions."

"Once a heterosexual male is through that door, there's no turning back. The presentation of the 'challenge' and the petty consternation between the contestants fire a male veiwer's internal 'Sports Response' in that his subconscious mind immediately choses a favorite, and then he'll endure nearly anything to see it through to the end - even the fanciful sketching, the discussions about 'Did someone steal my tool fabric?', the whining about other designers' whining, arguments over mirror space at the apartment or 'Who rethreaded my sewing machine?!!?'. It's extraordinary. But without fail, after 44 minutes, that male veiwer is gay. By the time he is agreeing with Michael Kors that Jerrel Scott's designs are too gaudily ornamented and that his hemlines are just not finished-looking enough for Bryant Park, the transformation is undoubtedly complete. Any sexual encounters with a female at that point would be for 'bearding' purposes only."



Yet Delaney continues to insist that he is not gay. "I like Leanne Marshall. I find her little buck tooth smile and sort of muppet faced innocence adorable, and her designs are first rate. When her eyes tear up from the stress, the exhaustion, the fear and the insatiable desire to be the best, I just want to hug her all night long. Plus, she really has a way with constructing pleats with a whole new, fresh perspective that could set the fashion world on fire. You girl, Leanne!"

Fannie Mae Pregnant. Freddie Mac Denies Relationship.

Washington, D.C.
No longer able to deny the conspicuous "baby bump" which has caused swirling speculation throughout the banking community, a visibly perturbed Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced this morning that Fannie Mae is indeed "expecting," and is due to give birth in early 2009.

"We were, of course, stunned when Fannie told us this news," Pelosi said, "We've spent so much time recently, late nights and weekends, at the office negotiating for her Bailout/Rescue Plan that we lost sight of what Fannie was doing with her personal time," adding, "We thought she was in her room working on her term paper on Zelda Fitzgerald."

"This is not what we would have wanted for her right now with her $800 billion of assets on the brink of evaporating," Press Secretary Dana Perino stated during this morning's daily briefing at the White House. "President Bush has spoken with her, and though he is a little disappointed in her personal behavior, he supports her decision and is moving forward."

There is tremendous speculation within beltway circles that Fannie Mae has fallen victim to parental neglect as the extended fighting and public bickering of the past two years between Pelosi and Bush has led them to distraction. "They shouldn't be airing their dirty laundry in public every day the way they do," said University of Maryland Clinical Psychologist, Belinda Swanson, "Clearly Fannie's behavior has been affected."

Commenting while on the campaign trail at Jefferson High School in Herndon Virginia, Vice Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, told the crowd, "President Bush taught Fannie Mae that 'A' was for abstinence. He should have also taught her what 'B' was for."

GOP presidential candidate, John McCain, responded quickly: "We don't know what was taught in those private moments to Fannie Mae or to Freddie Mac. It is their business and should be left at that along with their ethically questionable predatory lending practices. And by the way, Senator Biden never clarified what 'B' is for. And furthermore, Senator, what is 'C' for? And 'D'? And why would Senator Obama want teach those things to a financial institution in our public schools at ages as young as pre-school?"

Asked if Fannie Mae will still be able to provide liquidity to mortgage originators with the added responsibilities of motherhood, Perino said, "We're hoping that she has help with that at home."

Conspicuously unavailable for comment were representatives of government sponsored mortagage-backed securities seller, Freddie Mac. "Freddie Mac never touched that stuff," representatives said in a released statement. Mac, who recently pledged the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at George Washington University though his reported SAT score of 840 falls well below admissions requirements, had apparently fled the comfort of his suburban Washington condo and was said to be in Southern California mastering tracks on his first hip hop album "Bailout Failout, Bitches", they said, "It's the Freddie Mac Yack Attack droppin' in time for Xmas stocking stuffa's, y'all."

Mae and Mac have been known to date off and on over the past several years. The two seemed happy when photographed together at Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's surprise birthday party at Shakey's Pizza in Old Downtown last year, though at times the pair have also been seen at the Georgetown Starbucks arguing over whether they should order Caffé Vanilla Frappuccinos or Cinnamon Dulce.

"I saw them making out under the bleachers at our opening game," said Christina Newmont, a junior and fellow cheerleader with Mae at The Sidwell Friends School. "It was really so rude because we lost to Landon, and it was like they didn't even care. It was gross."

As a result of the recently passed Senate rescue bill, Fannie Mae was scheduled to appear before the House Financial Services Committee later this week, but it has been announced that all upcoming public appearances have been cancelled.

When asked if he, as chairman of that committee, bore any responsibility for oversight of Fannie Mae's behavior, Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank stated, "No, and it's none of my business nor yours. Even though you, the taxpayers, are being told to write a check for $750,000,000,000 to buy up the bad mortgages and fragile assets of both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, we ask at this time that you respect their privacy and let everyone move on with their private lives."

Historic Bipartisan Effort Gives U.S. Economy Much Needed Crushing Blow

Washington, D.C.
The U.S. House of Representatives this week pulled together to complete days of unprecedented emergency sessions to achieve the once unattainable goal of absolutely no result whatsoever.

"Just when all of America needed us to come together and find common ground, we did it - and under tremendous pressure I might add - within the context of our own hatred for one another's basic political beliefs and associations," said chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, Barney Frank (D-MA). "That's the progress of the 21st Century that the voters sent us here to achieve."

As the world watched and Wall Street had is biggest single-day numerical drop in history putting the financial markets on the brink of a Depression-Era style disaster, the political animus of Washington hit its zenith over a bill which some representatives referred to as a "Rescue Plan." "Rescue, sure..." commented Rep. John Boehner (R-OH), "I haven't gotten this kind of press since we had Bill Clinton's nuts in a vice. This has been our greatest chance to let the country fall into ruin and blame the other side since we dreamed up the term "Stagfaltion" in the 70's."

"I am tremendously proud of the inaction that we've taken this week." said Rep. John Tierney (D-MA), "They call it a 'Bailout,' so I call it a 'Loan.' If they'd called it a 'Loan,' I would have stood up for the American people and denounced it as a 'Bailout for the Fat Cats.' I always add in 'Fat Cats.' You see, people just don't like fat cats, not even the actual overweight cats on YouTube."

"The important thing is that this week nothing got done," said House Republican Whip Roy Blunt (R-MO). "We clearly assured our own political existence through unadulterated intolerance of one another's core convictions. This latest economic strife was a great opportunity for both sides to ignore the other's recommendations at a time when the voting public could finally see us not listening to one another. We don't help them. They don't help us. We're all in this thing together."

"I didn't even read the bill," explained Rep. Jeff Flake (R-AZ), "I just waited to see what the Democrats wanted to do, then I stepped 'across the aisle' to despise it. That's what I was elected to do."

Polls show the voting public to be wholeheartedly satisfied with the work not being done. "Progress makes me suspicious. If politicians agree on something, then someone's not doing their homework," said California voter Constance Kindall.

Minnesotan, Joel Donnelly, says that he finds comfort in the clarity of total polarization, "How am I supposed to know who not to vote for if I don't know who to hate?"

Marking the unanimity that such failure to act has brought to Washington, House Democratic Leader, Nancy Pelosi, recommended the minting of a commemorative 2¢ "The Greater Depression" coin emblazoned with 2008 GOP presidential candidate John McCain's slogan: "We'll just have to agree to disagree." "We're hoping that the homeless of this newer, fresher depression era will pick up on it and sing "Buddy, Can You Spare Five Two-Pennies?" she stated, adding, "That would be so cute."

"Even though it will never exist, a coin like this can go a long way to help pretend that something actually happened here, something which led to nothing. I think we can all agree on that," Pelosi concluded.

Ushering in a vote that would kill a bill attempting to solve the emergent banking crisis, Pelosi stated that "For too long this government, for eight years, has followed a right wing ideology of anything goes, no supervision, no discipline, no regulation," motivating just the right kind of bitterness that could strangle the cooperative nature of a Peace Corps volunteer.

In an inspired example of unified rancor, Rep. Eric Cantor, (R-VA) took the political layup: "Right here is the reason I believe why this vote failed, and this is Speaker Pelosi's speech that, frankly, struck the tone of bi-partisan mutual destruction that, frankly, enabled me to vote against her on the bill and use her words to whine about it at a press conference afterwards. Then the Democrats complained about us some more, and so on and so forth. Everybody gets reelected. Everybody's happy."

Commenting on the dynamic lack of progress on the financial market disaster, Senator Chris Dodd, chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, added, "I suppose this economic crisis could end up righting itself on Wall St. on its own, but back in Washington, we'd still have Iraq. Thank goodness for that."

Thanks for coming to "The Dog Log" !!

THANKS FOR COMING!!! to the 'Selected Readings' of "Buried in Sophie's Tomb: My Barking Dog Log to the West Hollywood Sheriff's Dept." at The Fake Gallery on Thursday!!

I had lots of fun! You were a great audience, and your questions during the Q&A were amazing and very funny (and uncomfortably personal).

Special thanks to Paul Kozlowski at The Fake Gallery! And thanks to Tim Coyne and Sheila Dolan for being brilliant and such complete professionals.

Tell your friends because the show may go up again real soon!!

Project Runway: With Remnants of Nonsense

Hopeful Project Runway contestant, Jerell Scott, stopped the rotation of the Earth and smashed all physical matter together to reverse the evolution of all life forms on Wednesday when he was shown on the program's second episode of Season Five commenting about what material his chosen model might bring back from uncut urban cloth house-of-worship, Mood. Always ready to shock their perpetually astounded contestants, the trim and dapper Tim Gunn announced that "For the first time in history" the models would be shopping for and choosing the materials for the upcoming project.

Needless to say the designers, now rendered as helpless as airline pilots with no pre-flight drinks, bemoaned the decision in a momentous storm of self-doubt and negative projection as if Jesus asking, "How am I supposed to make wine from this stuff?"

Naturally the last thing a presumably human model could be capable of doing would be shopping, right? How could the producers come up with such a nefarious limitation? How could professional models possibly know anything about shopping or fashion or materials or clothing (which is going to be designed especially for them on their instruction)? This would surely be as impossible as putting men on the moon and them playing golf really well.

Then in his crisis moment, designer Jerell Scott shook the world when he offered this frightfully insightful quip: "My biggest fear is that she's going to come back with remnants of nonsense."

That's when time stood still and all polarities reversed. It was when reality became fantasy and fantasy became reality, and my own deeply personal moment of crisis began. "Remnants of nonsense??", I asked to the dead air of my lightless living space. "What am I doing here?... Remnants of nonsense?... What is this show but remnants of nonsense? Any of these shows? And most of anything on Bravo or almost all of TV for that matter?"

Almost any current television producer in town (barring those from "Rock of Love") at any given moment could be saying of his/her editors, "My biggest fear is that they are going to come back with remnants of nonsense!" But they will! They will! Have you seen Big Brother? ...Tori and Dean/Home Sweet Hollywood? ...Adam Sandberg...

The question is: do we continue the embrace?

I don't know what nonsense is any more because I've given creed to it lo these years, and I have indeed forced it into making sense in my lonely world. But Scott, tonight, is calling me out. He has invited me to an awakening. He is speaking to me through the TV and challenging me. Remnants of nonsense?... Will I continue to be part of this cycle? Nonsense within nonsense? Do I need these remnants of nonsense in my life? Or at least this many? Should I be putting time into nonsense and or its remnants at all?

How much of my life am I giving away to them? And for Pete's sake already, how am I supposed to make wine out of this stuff? I think it's water here.

Kelly Ripa Officially Reclassified as Exoskeleton Arthropod

Highlighting a significant leap in the timeline of evolution, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt announced today that TV host, actress and former piece-of-ass, Kelly Ripa has been officially reclassified as an Exoskeleton Arthropod. "Frankly, we're amazed at not just her ability to metamorphose from one species to another, but at the incredible speed with which she was able to do it. Kafka would be proud."


Above, Ripa impersonates a horizontal stripe.

Ripa, insiders say, became disenchanted with her work-a-day Homo Sapien status shortly after having her third child. "She'd reached the top of the human food chain, you know? Wife, mother, TV star, commercial spokesperson with the wealth of kings and more popularity than a video of a kitten playing a banjo. Why not shake things up a bit?"

And shake things up she did. Shifting to a diet primarily consisting of teasing Regis Philbin's dusty dice every day for breakfast, Ripa showed the uncanny ability to reduce her body fat percentage to .004%, malnourishing her skin to the point of translucency and then finally ultimate defeat. "Everyone knew she hated having the baby weight," says Ripa's Personal Assistant's former Personal Assistant, "But her big obsession became having skin at all. 'Just layer upon layer of it,' she'd say, 'All the upkeep and the spray tanning. Who needs it?'"

This change in species hasn't affected her status as spokesperson with Ryka Footwear, even though her feet no longer need exterior protection. "She doesn't mind at all wearing the shoes during the photo shoots for the website, and we're very appreciative," said a beaming Linda Forsythe, artistic director for Ryka. "And she makes the shoes look very sturdy under those wonderfully frail tibia and tarsus bones." Rumors have circulated that Ripa may soon be designing a line of fitness clothing for Ryka, as well. "We cannot confirm or deny that at this time," says Forsythe, "But if a line of negative-sized fitness wear does comes out, I can assure you that Ryka's will be the first and the tiniest."


Kelly Ripa holds the contents of her latest meal.

Electrolux Kitchen Appliances have no plans to bury their newly-minted, prized skeleton either. "Why should we? Our agreement is to never show food and Ms. Ripa in the same frame," explains Milton Frostberger, Electrolux Director of Merchandising, "And certainly we'd never ask her to touch anything edible. It's not a difficult workaround. Besides, our ovens are so prohibitively expensive that most people who purchase them haven't cooked for themselves for 20 years, and they're not about to start any time soon."

Not everyone is so excited about Ripa's transformation. Some "Live with Regis and Kelly" audience members were less than impressed. "If I was her, I'd have made myself into a sloth," said Carl Wallace of East Brunswick. "She's a fake with all that perky bullshit!" added Shiela Mars, an admitted Kathy Lee Gifford fanatic, "I have roaches on my shower floor that are happier than her."

Still, hubby-hunk Mark Consuelos sees no downside to his wife's boney countenance. "I couldn't be more proud of Kelly. I call her look 'insectious,' and we laugh... And we're very careful that the word 'chubby' only refers to one thing in our household, if you know what I mean," adding confidently, "I think that proves that I'm heterosexual, don't you?"


Two undernourished legs can add up to the size of one healthy one, so what's the diff?


In her favorite parlor trick, Ripa disappears as a spine amongst books she hasn't read.

What does the future hold for society's newest segmented invertebrate? "Well, if she needs to molt, they'd need to be sure to time it just right between projects," explains celebrity stylist Rex Masculio, "But she's simply an unstoppable force of popularity no matter what the form. Who knows? You wants 'firsts,' America? I wouldn't be surprised if Barack Obama considers her for V.P. - a gorgeous African-American and a gorgeous Exoskeleton Arthropod. That ticket would be amazing."

Richard Lucas, reporting for the hell of it.

The Dark Knight.... Al Franken anybody?

Yes - I'm special, and here's why: "The Dark Knight" is opening tomorrow, and I saw it already. That's right! I'm a lot more special than any of you ever imagined.

How special am I? I was at a "special screening" of "The Dark Knight" two weeks ago. Yes, that makes me very special. It was only the second screening of the film anywhere in the world, and I was there. Why was I there? Pretty lame, in truth.... The Screen Actors Guild randomly selected me as a nominating member for the SAG Awards committee. I think there are actually hundreds of people in the "committee" which never seems to meet or even "lunch." None of my committee colleagues ever calls. We don't bowl together or play softball. We don't sit at a giant semi-circular table in large, cushy leather chairs and discuss anything. Nothing. In fact, considering the paltry number of auditions that I get per year (I call it A.D.D. - "Audition Deficit Disorder"), my SAG membership itself thus far has amounted to little more than a very, very expensive magazine subscription.

Certainly now, however, my acting career is all working as I get to see a handful of movies this season for free. What more could I possibly want?

But I digress - after all this is about the film "The Dark Knight," not Richard Lucas - The Dark Knight.

Many of you good friends will soon see the movie. Heath Ledger, you will see, put up a great performance as The Joker. But I couldn't help but be distracted by the exaggerated voice he uses. It sounds like a spot-on impersonation of Al Franken. Exact same deep, deep resonance but high nasally projection. And the timing, too. Basically it's an Al Franken in real bad need of a glass of water - a brilliant choice. It's a great voice. But sadly, I'll never get to find out if this is what Ledger was doing, nor how he came up with that choice.


After the screening, there was a Q&A. Christopher Nolan was there, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart and Maggie Gyllenhaal as well. My friend, Reuben, who accompanied me there (see, if you were nicer to me, it might have been you) asked a great question about the special effects, and yet, all I could do during the Q&A was try to figure out a way that I could ask any member of the panel if Heath Ledger was doing an Al Franken voice without sounding like a wise-ass. (As a side note, I haven't figured out a way to do very much without sounding like a wise-ass.) Unfortunately because of this tormented self-consciousness, I never quite formulated the question reasonably in my mind, nor did I hear most of the Q's and few of the A's, so I am as in-the-dark now as I was before.

When I brought Al Franken's voice up later, Reuben thought I was crazy. Some friend... Silently, so as not to cause use a big ruckus about it, I assured myself: "Reuben obviously doesn't know who Al Franken is, and he's got a tin ear for inflection - that's for damn sure." Surely now he will say that he does know Franken, but I assure you my friends, he doesn't because if he did, he would have been hearing just what I was hearing. It's his sanity or mine.

My question is - is anyone with me on the voice thing? All you brilliant actors out there? Radio listeners / Fans of Franken? Minnesotans? Classic SNL fans?

Just one bit of agreement in this world and I'd be forever satisfied.

Thank You!!

Thank You!!!!!

Thank you!!! --- To everyone who came out for the Comedy Central Stage show!

It was a fantastic night, and tons of fun for me because the audience was so awesome.

For those who couldn't make it, I did a 50 minute set of stories --- sort of a stories/stand-up hybrid format that I love.

There will be audio and video soon with possible DVD and/or CD's for sale.

Hopefully, we'll do another live night soon, too!

Sincerely,
Richard

p.s. -- We did it without an Evite. It can be done!!