I guess there is no War on Terror, no healthcare crisis, no homeless problems, no traffic problems, and no impending planetary death sauna because, according to the L.A. Times, the City of Santa Monica is now giving out free birth control - to squirrels. What's that? To humans who choose hormonal prudence over unwanted pregnancy? No, to squirrels who don't.
There's a squirrel overpopulation issue in beautiful, beach front Palisades Park. Note: there's also a homeless overpopulation problem there, but no mention of that in the article. In fact, the squirrel housing issue has been an official one since 1998, and the city has been fined for it 5 times. What happens to you or me when we're fined by the state FIVE times? We're thrown in jail and forced to watch TWINS repeatedly until we pay our dues. But for the City of Santa Monica, it has only opened the window to a near decade-long, expensive social engineering experiment on squirrels. And squirrels are rodents. Officially they are. They may be cuter than rats and some mice, but if 1,000 of them were running at you after you finished shopping at Urban Outfitters on the Promenade, you'd want them dead. So... What to do... What to do... Hmmm... Too many squirrels living in the park. Hard to figure this one out, huh? Well, the minds-in-power that be have finally decided to capture each squirrel and inject them with an immuno-contraceptive vaccine, then set them free - back in Palisades Park - to enjoy their non-reproductive, free wheeling lifestyles. Eventually - eventually - the public will see the benefits when the new non-birth rate kicks in with fewer baby squirrels. What happens when the rest of the Southern California squirrel population finds out that it's a veritable Caligula at Palisades Park? I don't know. My guess is more horny squirrels moving in. Heck, if it's that much fun, I just might move in.
The city says it only costs $10-$20 per injection. But of course that doesn't account for all the time coming up with the plan, the dudes who will be out there catching the squirrels, transporting them in limos, housing them in suites at Shutters/Santa Monica and then monitoring the results, plus the cost of losing what good, productive things might have been debated and decided over that time.
Were there alternatives to the birth control plan? They did try other things. Oh, how they tried. They handed out free condoms. Tiny squirrel condoms, but they were summarily rejected for lack of sensation. Then the city went dark hearted. Santa Monica tried to euthanize the squirrels Soilent-Green-style. But waiting for the squirrels to show the classic signs of old age such as sitting at an intersection when the light turns green, watching Matlock reruns on KDOC or purchasing buttermilk at Ralph's took too long. And the squirrels were savvy. They started a Palisades Park-wide diet and fitness plan to stave off the ravages of old age. Then the city actually tried gassing them, but they had a really hard time getting them on those tiny little trains. Well, they got them on the trains easily enough, but when they told them they could leave their bags behind, all the squirrels bolted. Plus, the squirrels had actual human protesters defending their rights to live and screw and generally be a nuisance on their public patch of some of the most expensive real estate in the nation. They have had ongoing squirrel educational seminars teaching the values of abstinence, but the emboldened squirrels were actually screwing DURING the classes. Hey, when an animal by instinct carries nuts in its mouth, then you know it's gonna screw whenever it wants.
The birth control vaccination plan, the city says, should be about 66% effective. I guess those are winning enough odds for Vegas, so it should be satisfying enough for taxpayers. And, of course, we will have absolutely no way to ever find out if that ends up to be correct. Relocating the squirrels and then setting up some sort of repellant around the park, apparently, is out of the question. What squirrel could possibly live happily ever after having to slum it after being so accustomed to the views, the lifestyle and all the advantages of beautiful Palisades Park? So I propose a can't-miss solution: legalize squirrel marriage. The ceremony and paperwork could be free of charge. Make it legal once and for all because once they're married, the sex is definitely over.
