I was watching the Sucker Free Countdown on MTV yesterday, and I thought, “Man, I’m so glad that this countdown is free of suckers, finally.”
Because you know there is one born every freakin’ minute. They’re everywhere. And they’re always falling for something: Hey, friend, there’s some mustard on your shirt - and boom - I got the guy on the nose. All too easy. And he didn’t even have mustard at lunch. Always being so gullible. The “Sauna Belt” will help you lose weight without exercise. Of course it will. No one gets electrocuted without losing some sort of unwanted flab. The “Auto Cool” will keep your automobile so cool and comfortable out in the sun, you’ll be able to lock your baby in the car for hours while you shop at Ross. Why not? The world is flat. If you go too far, you’ll fall off. If you question it, God will strike you down.
It’s kind of cute, I guess - BUT, these suckers are way too easy to take advantage of, and I was sick and tired of having them watch the countdown. I sold a pair of used flip flops to one just last summer at a yard sale. You could actually still see the worn imprint of the previous feet eerily ghosted into the top of the flip flops, and yet - SALE. One sucker = one dollar. George W. Bush orchestrated 9/11? Sure, he’s a genius - buy my dvd, and I’ll show you how he did it. Bill Clinton had people murdered in his Machiavellian climb to power? Sure, he’s a serial killer - buy my book and read all about it. I’m glad to have my afternoon video countdown without these people around, sucking.
But when the countdown was over (the saddest thing about countdowns is that as they countdown, you become overwhelmed with the impending sense of loss), I kind of felt bad because it seemed so exclusionary. Rude even. I mean, I hate it when people leave me out of stuff, keeping their secrets. You find out two days after the fact that all your “friends” were at The Frolic Room having drinks and laughs, sharing honest moments of kinship, swapping wives and stuff, giving each other recipes and candy and cash and invites to parties and unsolicited encouragement just for the hell of it. Who am I to decide that suckers don’t get to see these videos? How do I even know if they’re watching the countdown anyhow? I’m no Nielsen. And the Nielsen Ratings people don’t ask you if you’re a sucker ahead of time, do they? I say the Nielsen Ratings are for suckers. Look at the shows that reach the top! Two and a Half Men? Jon Cryer is in that show, you know. Meanwhile, Arrested Development can’t stay on the air? I say go ahead and watch the Sucker Free Countdown, suckers. Do it. You’re really the ones who need to see these videos so that you can get some experience in life and learn no to be such suckers, always falling for something like the Flowbee System for $59.95 or the War on Terror for a few billion. See, I got you. Now you think you’re welcome to the countdown, but you’re not.
