Thursday, October 9, 2008

Man Watches Episode of Project Runway, Still Attracted to Women

New York, NY
In an announcement that has stunned the television, fashion and scientific worlds alike, Carl L. Delaney of McKeesport, Pennsylvania is reported to have watched last night's episode of Bravo's Project Runway and claims that he still remains "attracted to women."

"I watched Project Runway last night, and today I still am not gay," Delaney said at a hastily called press conference on the common lawn in front of his apartment building. "I still am horny for women. Women are where it's at for me," he emphasized.

"This account is simply not to be believed," countered Robert Fullbright, Professor of Anthropology and Science and Technology Studies at Brown University, "The Delaney heterosexuality announcement would appear to reverse a sociological principle as immutable as gravity," adding, "He might as well have told us that he could stop time by doing JELL-O shots. 'Project' is firmly entrenched in the genetic code of modern living as the most powerful homociser on television," he explained.

Acclaimed Sociologist, Dr. Alexander Solkowski, author of the book Who Do you Think You Are? - You Are Who I Tell You You Are, agrees, "It presents one of mankind's most mind boggling conundrums: If you watch an episode of Project Runway and you are not gay, then you're still gay because you watched an episode of Project Runway."

Solkowski adds, "What Delaney is claiming - to have watched the show this Wednesday and not to have ended up gay - is beyond plausibility, frankly. 'Runway' bases itself on the premise of adulation of the fashion industry and builds with scenes of frantic designers shopping for fabric, contestants verbally bitch-slapping one another while sewing hems on garish "avant-garde" evening gowns based on pictures of flowers, and even shows female models in underwear with no sexual connotation whatsoever. If Delaney truthfully watched it last night," Solkowski says emphatically, "Then I conclude that he is gay."

The creators of Project Runway released the following statement: "We live in and are proud to be part of an open and tolerant society. If Mr. Delaney wants to say that he is straight even after watching our show, then we must take him at his word, and we are happy to welcome him as a viewer. We only hope that he is being completely honest with his loved ones, his friends, his family and himself."

Yet Delaney says that he discussed last evening's episode on a date with a woman later on and insists that the two shared stages of physical intimacy afterward. "We talked about the show, yes. I had just found Kenley's voice to be so irritating that I had to bring it up. That throaty screech of Kenley's constant defensive whining was stuck in my head like the sirens of the fire engines when my family's house burned down when I was 6. And her designs, let's face it, she's just stuck in the 50's. Time to get with something fresh. My date agreed with me, though she said that she did like Kenley's updated spin on hip hop that she'd designed for Leanne a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't seen that episode, so I was able to brush it off and make my move to second base."

There were, however, a few shaky moments. "I will admit that I was a little nervous at first, especially when Heidi Klum strutted on stage to threaten the designers," Delaney said, "I used to think she was really hot, but now she's kind of harsh, kind of mannish."

"This is exactly how the conversion always begins," explains Professor Fullbright, "Heterosexual men question their attraction to Heidi Klum. Then the winning and losing models from the previous week come out, but they are in unflattering black mini-dresses, have no make up on, and there is a noticeable absence of flesh on their bones. So within the first five minutes, the straight male viewer has been introduced to the drama of the episode, which may initially intrigue him, but has also slowly been waned from finding women attractive. Then Tim Gunn comes in. He is smart and dapper, friendly, yet stern and principled, all wrapped up in a fine looking, well dressed gentlemen with sympathy and a sense of humor. You can imagine having a beer with him, albeit a very expensive, imported one probably with a lemon wedge and a sprinkle of cinnamon which he wouldn't finish, but you can imagine it. And alcohol, even in imagined scenarios, leads to loosened inhibitions."

"Once a heterosexual male is through that door, there's no turning back. The presentation of the 'challenge' and the petty consternation between the contestants fire a male veiwer's internal 'Sports Response' in that his subconscious mind immediately choses a favorite, and then he'll endure nearly anything to see it through to the end - even the fanciful sketching, the discussions about 'Did someone steal my tool fabric?', the whining about other designers' whining, arguments over mirror space at the apartment or 'Who rethreaded my sewing machine?!!?'. It's extraordinary. But without fail, after 44 minutes, that male veiwer is gay. By the time he is agreeing with Michael Kors that Jerrel Scott's designs are too gaudily ornamented and that his hemlines are just not finished-looking enough for Bryant Park, the transformation is undoubtedly complete. Any sexual encounters with a female at that point would be for 'bearding' purposes only."



Yet Delaney continues to insist that he is not gay. "I like Leanne Marshall. I find her little buck tooth smile and sort of muppet faced innocence adorable, and her designs are first rate. When her eyes tear up from the stress, the exhaustion, the fear and the insatiable desire to be the best, I just want to hug her all night long. Plus, she really has a way with constructing pleats with a whole new, fresh perspective that could set the fashion world on fire. You girl, Leanne!"

Friday, October 3, 2008

Fannie Mae Pregnant. Freddie Mac Denies Relationship.


Washington, D.C.
No longer able to deny the conspicuous "baby bump" which has caused swirling speculation throughout the banking community, a visibly perturbed Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced this morning that Fannie Mae is indeed "expecting," and is due to give birth in early 2009.

"We were, of course, stunned when Fannie told us this news," Pelosi said, "We've spent so much time recently, late nights and weekends, at the office negotiating for her Bailout/Rescue Plan that we lost sight of what Fannie was doing with her personal time," adding, "We thought she was in her room working on her term paper on Zelda Fitzgerald."

"This is not what we would have wanted for her right now with her $800 billion of assets on the brink of evaporating," Press Secretary Dana Perino stated during this morning's daily briefing at the White House. "President Bush has spoken with her, and though he is a little disappointed in her personal behavior, he supports her decision and is moving forward."

There is tremendous speculation within beltway circles that Fannie Mae has fallen victim to parental neglect as the extended fighting and public bickering of the past two years between Pelosi and Bush has led them to distraction. "They shouldn't be airing their dirty laundry in public every day the way they do," said University of Maryland Clinical Psychologist, Belinda Swanson, "Clearly Fannie's behavior has been affected."

Commenting while on the campaign trail at Jefferson High School in Herndon Virginia, Vice Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, told the crowd, "President Bush taught Fannie Mae that 'A' was for abstinence. He should have also taught her what 'B' was for."

GOP presidential candidate, John McCain, responded quickly: "We don't know what was taught in those private moments to Fannie Mae or to Freddie Mac. It is their business and should be left at that along with their ethically questionable predatory lending practices. And by the way, Senator Biden never clarified what 'B' is for. And furthermore, Senator, what is 'C' for? And 'D'? And why would Senator Obama want teach those things to a financial institution in our public schools at ages as young as pre-school?"

Asked if Fannie Mae will still be able to provide liquidity to mortgage originators with the added responsibilities of motherhood, Perino said, "We're hoping that she has help with that at home."

Conspicuously unavailable for comment were representatives of government sponsored mortagage-backed securities seller, Freddie Mac. "Freddie Mac never touched that stuff," representatives said in a released statement. Mac, who recently pledged the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at George Washington University though his reported SAT score of 840 falls well below admissions requirements, had apparently fled the comfort of his suburban Washington condo and was said to be in Southern California mastering tracks on his first hip hop album "Bailout Failout, Bitches", they said, "It's the Freddie Mac Yack Attack droppin' in time for Xmas stocking stuffa's, y'all."

Mae and Mac have been known to date off and on over the past several years. The two seemed happy when photographed together at Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's surprise birthday party at Shakey's Pizza in Old Downtown last year, though at times the pair have also been seen at the Georgetown Starbucks arguing over whether they should order Caffé Vanilla Frappuccinos or Cinnamon Dulce.

"I saw them making out under the bleachers at our opening game," said Christina Newmont, a junior and fellow cheerleader with Mae at The Sidwell Friends School. "It was really so rude because we lost to Landon, and it was like they didn't even care. It was gross."

As a result of the recently passed Senate rescue bill, Fannie Mae was scheduled to appear before the House Financial Services Committee later this week, but it has been announced that all upcoming public appearances have been cancelled.

When asked if he, as chairman of that committee, bore any responsibility for oversight of Fannie Mae's behavior, Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank stated, "No, and it's none of my business nor yours. Even though you, the taxpayers, are being told to write a check for $750,000,000,000 to buy up the bad mortgages and fragile assets of both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, we ask at this time that you respect their privacy and let everyone move on with their private lives."

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Historic Bipartisan Effort Gives U.S. Economy Much Needed Crushing Blow


Washington, D.C.
The U.S. House of Representatives this week pulled together to complete days of unprecedented emergency sessions to achieve the once unattainable goal of absolutely no result whatsoever.

"Just when all of America needed us to come together and find common ground, we did it - and under tremendous pressure I might add - within the context of our own hatred for one another's basic political beliefs and associations," said chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, Barney Frank (D-MA). "That's the progress of the 21st Century that the voters sent us here to achieve."

As the world watched and Wall Street had is biggest single-day numerical drop in history putting the financial markets on the brink of a Depression-Era style disaster, the political animus of Washington hit its zenith over a bill which some representatives referred to as a "Rescue Plan." "Rescue, sure..." commented Rep. John Boehner (R-OH), "I haven't gotten this kind of press since we had Bill Clinton's nuts in a vice. This has been our greatest chance to let the country fall into ruin and blame the other side since we dreamed up the term "Stagfaltion" in the 70's."

"I am tremendously proud of the inaction that we've taken this week." said Rep. John Tierney (D-MA), "They call it a 'Bailout,' so I call it a 'Loan.' If they'd called it a 'Loan,' I would have stood up for the American people and denounced it as a 'Bailout for the Fat Cats.' I always add in 'Fat Cats.' You see, people just don't like fat cats, not even the actual overweight cats on YouTube."

"The important thing is that this week nothing got done," said House Republican Whip Roy Blunt (R-MO). "We clearly assured our own political existence through unadulterated intolerance of one another's core convictions. This latest economic strife was a great opportunity for both sides to ignore the other's recommendations at a time when the voting public could finally see us not listening to one another. We don't help them. They don't help us. We're all in this thing together."

"I didn't even read the bill," explained Rep. Jeff Flake (R-AZ), "I just waited to see what the Democrats wanted to do, then I stepped 'across the aisle' to despise it. That's what I was elected to do."

Polls show the voting public to be wholeheartedly satisfied with the work not being done. "Progress makes me suspicious. If politicians agree on something, then someone's not doing their homework," said California voter Constance Kindall.

Minnesotan, Joel Donnelly, says that he finds comfort in the clarity of total polarization, "How am I supposed to know who not to vote for if I don't know who to hate?"

Marking the unanimity that such failure to act has brought to Washington, House Democratic Leader, Nancy Pelosi, recommended the minting of a commemorative 2¢ "The Greater Depression" coin emblazoned with 2008 GOP presidential candidate John McCain's slogan: "We'll just have to agree to disagree." "We're hoping that the homeless of this newer, fresher depression era will pick up on it and sing "Buddy, Can You Spare Five Two-Pennies?" she stated, adding, "That would be so cute."

"Even though it will never exist, a coin like this can go a long way to help pretend that something actually happened here, something which led to nothing. I think we can all agree on that," Pelosi concluded.

Ushering in a vote that would kill a bill attempting to solve the emergent banking crisis, Pelosi stated that "For too long this government, for eight years, has followed a right wing ideology of anything goes, no supervision, no discipline, no regulation," motivating just the right kind of bitterness that could strangle the cooperative nature of a Peace Corps volunteer.

In an inspired example of unified rancor, Rep. Eric Cantor, (R-VA) took the political layup: "Right here is the reason I believe why this vote failed, and this is Speaker Pelosi's speech that, frankly, struck the tone of bi-partisan mutual destruction that, frankly, enabled me to vote against her on the bill and use her words to whine about it at a press conference afterwards. Then the Democrats complained about us some more, and so on and so forth. Everybody gets reelected. Everybody's happy."

Commenting on the dynamic lack of progress on the financial market disaster, Senator Chris Dodd, chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, added, "I suppose this economic crisis could end up righting itself on Wall St. on its own, but back in Washington, we'd still have Iraq. Thank goodness for that."